Franklin called to remind me that I was supposed to come by the hospital for the test; I knew I was supposed to go. I didn’t know what to do or how to act. Was I supposed to pray or just go hoping everything would be alright?
Tobi was by the door of my house and he was prepared to take me to the hospital. You know all my life Tobi was always there and it was funny how I noticed him but I didn’t. It was as if everyone knew we were perfect for each other but we weren’t ready. We had been friends for over 20 years and it was as if he had grown to be my brother.
‘Hope you said a prayer’ he asked smiling.
‘I don’t know, I think I did’ I replied smiling back.
‘You xha look nice, and that’s what counts. Babe, I want you to know today that I am beside you HIV or not. I have loved you and I will always do’
I looked at him and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Was he professing his love for me right now?
‘Please let’s go’ I said walking towards the car. He followed me and we drove to the hospital. Ada and Tola were there already waiting for me. How much I loved my friends.
When we got into the office, my blood sample was taken and I had to wait for the test result, Tobi was standing by the door and he looked like he was praying for me. I was scared, I wouldn’t lie I was.
When Franklin got back I tried to read the result from his facial expression but I couldn’t get anything. Then he started with counselling me, my heart was broken. So I was positive after all? I couldn’t blame anyone, I couldn’t blame God it was my fault.
‘Please can we know the result of the test?’ Tobi asked. We were all impatient. Could he just tell us the result already?
He stared at me shook his head and then bowed his head for a moment. Tobi walked towards me with his hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me. I was finished, so this was my life now. What was I going to do? How would people treat me? The stigma in the society was too much for me to bear.
‘Ehm…Damilola Coker, you result is…is…I am sorry but you are HIV negative’ .
It took me time to assimilate what he was saying ‘I am sorry but you are HIV negative’ I couldn’t scream, I couldn’t laugh, I just kept crying, God was truly the greatest.
Ada and Tola hugged me so tightly and they started announcing. ‘BABY IS NEGATIVE, GRATEFUL’. I was super excited; I wasn’t going to have a mark from Kola’s situation. God found a way of cleaning me up.
I stood up to leave when Tobi hugged me and planted a kiss on my lips, you know when you kiss someone and everything falls into place like all your missing pieces have been found? Yes, that’s how I felt.I could see Ada and Tola smiling. ‘at last they said’ and I couldn’t help but smile.
We decided to celebrate the result so I took the day off and went out cruising with my friends. We were at the resort when I got a call from Kayode, he was probably calling to congratulate me I concluded.
‘Damilola’ he screamed. ‘Please come Kola wants to commit suicide’ I couldn’t move, I was stunned. I ran out with my friends running after me. ‘Take me to Kola’s house’ I kept saying.
They beckoned on me to calm down but I couldn’t. Suicide? That was too extreme and I wouldn’t let him do that. I got into the car and I could see how Tobi looked as he drove us there. I kept calling Kayode to know what was happening and making sure he kept an eye on Kola.
As soon as we got to the house I got down before the gateman tried to open the gate, I ran into the house looking for Kola. I saw him looking miserable.
What have I done and why did I have to punish him this way? He was going through a lot and I was being inconsiderate knowing his status.
‘Baby I am sorry’ he said holding me closely. ‘I honestly didn’t mean to hurt you, I just didn’t know how to tell you’
I held him crying. Kayode came in with my friends.
What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t leave him alone especially at this point, I had to stay and make him better. I had to be by his side.
‘It’s okay baby’ I replied kissing him, he kissed me back. I didn’t know what I was doing but I was hoping I was doing the right thing.Tobi walked out in disgust, I couldn’t blame him but I didn’t know what else to do. What if all I felt for Tobi was just because he was there and would wear off? Kola needed me and I had to be there for him. I held him tightly not knowing what to do and hoping everything would be alright.
Nobody knew I was back with Kola, I couldn’t tell anyone not even dad and mum knew I was. I tried avoiding everybody, I was sure I wasn’t happy there was no way I could be. I was just hoping that God would fix him.
I practically avoided everybody; I couldn’t hang out with my friends anymore. I knew what was going through their minds and I didn’t want anyone telling me what I was doing was wrong. Of course I knew it was, I felt lost with Kola, I couldn’t love him, I was fast loosing myself because of him. No one could understand how I felt and how confused I was. We would sneak to see each other and this wasn’t the life I wanted. Most of the times I would be lost in thought, I knew God had good plans for me but was Kola the right person?
I was in the office one Tuesday when Tricia came in with pictures of Kola and I. I was just stunned, it was too early and I thought I was smart with my sneaking game. I looked away as if I was trying to take it away.
‘Dami dear, what are you doing? Have you forgotten what this guy made you go through?’ she asked staring at me like she pitied me.
‘I don’t want to talk about it’ I said I was too depressed. How did this get out?
‘I won’t force you to, just know this would break you and I am here to listen’ she said.
For the first time Tricia made sense, even Tricia was becoming smarter than me. I needed help but I didn’t know how to get it, I wanted a lasting solution, I wanted to go extinct. The thought of Kola smiling at me made me hate him more, he tried to make it up, tried so hard but I was emotionally disconnected. I was with him because I felt guilty, I blamed myself for treating him horribly and I felt I went too far handling the issue.
Life was just becoming difficult and most times I found myself hating myself, hating my skin and even my presence. I would stroll alone in the night and find myself crying. I hated this situation and I had no idea what to do about it. I was not just confused, I was lost.
TO BE CONT’D….
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